Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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