ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
