Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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