the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
