You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
