It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
