dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dicks are not precious.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
