K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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