he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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