Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
