I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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