why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
