i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
