How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
