Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
