in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
