I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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