i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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