I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?