you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.