i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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