There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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