when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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