Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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