I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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