I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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