My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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