I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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