opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
