I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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