We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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