went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
