ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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