Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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