I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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