Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
