just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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