I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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