How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
