got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
