you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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