I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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