Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
