I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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