I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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