new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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