i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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