i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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