"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
