wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
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i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
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Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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