sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
