i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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