census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
