I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i now understand why vodka
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
