Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
