Are we in a gay sports bar?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
