Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
