Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
